Let Go
by Daine
Summary: Before leaving for Kamino, ObiWan has a talk with Master Yoda who manages to unearth an old ghost who still haunts ObiWan and leaves him doubting himself.


A/N: Takes place during Attack of the Clones, right after Anakin and Padmé leave for Naboo. Obi-Wan is about to head off to Kamino, but Yoda has asked to have a final word with him before he leaves. So we enter the story. This is meant to partially explain Obi-Wan's insistence in calling Anakin his "young padawan learner" and his desire to keep Anakin from taking the Jedi trials.

Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas and not to me. This is written for fan purposes only.

**Let Go**

Obi-Wan hesitated only a moment before knocking and entering the Jedi meditation chambers. Master Yoda had asked to speak with him before he left for Kamino. To his surprise, Yoda was not alone – Master Windu also sat on one of the round cushions in the middle of the room.

"You wanted to see me, Master Yoda?" he asked respectfully. 

"Welcome, Obi-Wan," Windu answered instead. "Yoda and I wished to speak to you about your mission." 

The two Jedi discussed Obi-Wan's trip to Kamino at length, ending with strict orders to contact the Jedi Council the moment he discovered anything. Obi-Wan was preparing to leave when Yoda called him back. 

"And what of your apprentice, Anakin? Safely on his way, is he?"

"Yes, Master Yoda," Obi-Wan replied. "Anakin and Padmé are on their way to Naboo, traveling incognito."

"You have done a fine job in training him, Obi-Wan. He is strong in the Force and gifted with a lightsaber," said Master Windu.

"Thank you, Master Windu," Obi-Wan answered. "I have tried to teach him well."

"Done well you have," came Yoda's scratchy voice. "Surely your master, Qui-Gon Jinn, would have thought so as well."

Thoughts of Qui-Gon, repressed for so long in Obi-Wan's mind, surfaced again unbidden at Yoda's simple words. How he wished his former master were still alive, that he could see Anakin and his training!

"Your thoughts betray you, they do," Yoda reprimanded. "Your hurt over Qui-Gon's death is still in your mind."

"Qui-Gon died over a decade ago, Master Yoda." For some reason, Obi-Wan found it difficult to keep his voice steady. "He was a great man and a wonderful teacher, but he is gone now. I have moved past his death."

"Moved past it, have you?" Yoda's green eyes seemed to intensify as he stared up at Obi-Wan. "So you keep your apprentice from the trials now, in hopes that he, too, will not leave you?"

"No!" Obi-Wan knew his response came too quickly. "I have trained Anakin as well as I am able. I am fully aware that his physical capabilities and his skills in using the Force are beyond excellent. I only feel that his mind needs further training. He has become arrogant in his abilities and often attacks in anger. I wish to cure him of that before he takes the trials."

"When Qui-Gon decided to release you, Obi-Wan, he could say many similar things about your progress. He mentioned that you were headstrong and needed to learn more about the living Force, yet he still proclaimed you ready to face the trials. Perhaps what Anakin needs is to be on his own and learn for himself." Master Windu's voice was, as always, smooth and deep. His unfathomable dark eyes seemed to burn holes into Obi-Wan's skull.

"I…I only wish to…" Obi-Wan floundered around for an answer and came up with none. Yoda settled a knowing gaze on him.

"Lost your master early, you did," he said softly. "Before you were ready he was taken from you. But Anakin must face the trials or risk becoming angry that you restrict him."

"Obi-Wan. Normally, when a padawan is ready to become a master, the bond between the two is slowly closed off, so that when the time is right the learner can face his challenges alone. Such was not the case with you. Your bond was taken from you by force. Anakin will not have a similar experience. You must not fear for him," said Master Windu. 

"No," Yoda said softly. "Not fear for Anakin. Fear for yourself." Both Obi-Wan and Windu turned to look at him. "Scars, your master's death has left you. Scars that we were too blind to see. Hide them deep, you do. But they are there."

Master Windu's eyes widened in sudden understanding. "Have you ever grieved, Obi-Wan? Have you ever let Qui-Gon go?" 

Obi-Wan looked away from the two Jedi. "Of course I have." His voice was brittle and impatient. "He was my master and my friend. I was greatly sorrowed at his death. But it happened years ago, and none of it has the slightest bearing on Anakin!"

"Wrong!" Yoda's voice came short and harsh. "Let Anakin's training forestall your grief, you have. You hide your scars beneath Anakin's training bond. Be mindful of your thoughts, Obi-Wan. Feel the pain of Qui-Gon's death, you do."

"You must let Anakin go." Windu's voice was cold and unyielding. "You cannot continue trying to fill the hole left in you by Qui-Gon with Anakin. Your bond with your teacher is gone forever, and your apprentice cannot fill it. It is foolish to try."

Obi-Wan stood his ground, but just barely. His mind reeled with the implications of the Master's words. But Yoda was not finished yet. 

"His death still grieves you. But let him go, you must." And Obi-Wan could not tell whether Yoda meant Anakin or Qui-Gon. Maybe it was both. 

Obi-Wan managed to bow stiffly. "I will think on what you have said," he answered, though his tone told them otherwise. "If you will excuse me, I have much to do before I leave for Kamino." He was acutely aware of the two Jedi's stares following him down the hall.

Once safely in his chambers, Obi-Wan kneeled on the floor to begin his meditations. He knew he could not leave for Kamino with his mind so troubled. He needed to clear his mind and logically sort through Master Yoda's advice, for the diminutive Jedi held great wisdom. However, try as he might he could not stave off the memories that filled him. 

_He came to a skidding stop just before he ran into the red energy fields that blocked his path. Breathing hard, he watched his master square off against Darth Maul alone. He bit hip lip unconsciously. This was wrong; he was a padawan, he should be out fighting with his master! He reached inside his mind, found the bond that linked him to Qui-Gon and sent energy coursing through it, hoping to bolster his master's strength._

_The fight continued, a blur of flashing lightsabers and whirling bodies. He clenched his fists, wishing more than anything to be out there fighting…_

**_No!_**

_He screamed, but whether it was audibly or just in his mind was impossible to determine. He **felt** the beam slice into his master's belly and knew the wound was fatal. He felt Qui-Gon's pain ripping through his own body and saw the life energy fading from his master's still form. _

_He only knew then that the barriers keeping him from his master fell, and he charged towards the murderer, all the while desperately trying to push away the pain he felt as Qui-Gon's life left him. The fight faded to a blur of pain and light and sound, of harsh breathing and the scream of tortured muscles and the never-ending, soul-ravaging agony as he felt each labored breath of his dying friend…_

_His adversary was dead. He hardly cared as he rushed to his master's side. No, not just master, but father, teacher, friend…Tears ran down his face unheeded as he pulled the dying man into his lap. **Train him, **his master commands. Yes, master, of course I will, he responds, cradling the body close. Then he is gone, gone, and Obi-Wan knows it without checking for a pulse because he can feel the deep soul-bond between a master and a padawan being ripped from his mind, from his heart, and it hurts and hurts and he screams… _

Tears overwhelmed the real Obi-Wan now, and he could not hold them back as he screamed inside his mind, over and over, _why did you have to die, why, you left me alone and I wasn't ready, I can't train Anakin because I need you…Force, don't leave me Qui-Gon…_

The grief that he had numbed for over a decade, that he had buried in his need to train Anakin, all the tears he had never shed for his fallen master, all poured from him now. He could still reach inside his mind and feel the place where his old link to Qui-Gon had been, could feel the scars that his death had caused. And he knew, he knew without a doubt that Master Yoda was right, because he felt how his bond to Anakin nearly overlaid the scars that losing his master had left, and he knew that he could not, would not be able to let Anakin go. Anakin couldn't grow up because he'd leave Obi-Wan, and then he would have to face everything he'd thought was far behind him. 

The final conclusion of his thoughts was crystal-clear. "I am sorry, Anakin," Obi-Wan whispered into the night. "I'm sorry. But I cannot give you up now. I am not ready to let you go."

And whether he meant Qui-Gon or Anakin by that final "you" – he suspected that even Master Yoda would not know.

_Please review; I am in desperate need of feedback._


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